THE ONE MOMENT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING

There was a moment (20 years ago!) as I was sitting on the couch in my small one-bedroom apartment - which I still remember so vividly today - when an incredible terror arose. It was as if I was absolutely alone in the whole of existence, like a microscopic pinprick of “something” hanging within the infinite vastness of “nothing”.

For the briefest of moments, the belief that I had been abandoned by Life/God/the Creator flashed through my consciousness. And in the same moment, I saw with incredible clarity that this belief had always been with me as the “core wound of separation”. I saw how my mind created defenses, distractions and contortions in order to avoid facing the horror of this abandonment.

But instead of turning away by getting up to make a cup of tea or reading a spiritual book (my two most common strategies), I somehow recognized that this time there was no denying the fact that the void of nothingness was right here in my experience of this moment. And so I chose to give myself to it totally.

The surrender was absolute. I surrendered all fear and all hope, I surrendered all imagination of how things should be and even the idea that my life as I had known it would continue in any way at all. I was 100% willing to be extinguished and absorbed into an eternity of unknown emptiness. And so, I fell into the dark abyss of being without a safety net.

But to my surprise, this was not the end of it! Not only did “I” dissolve into emptiness but, simultaneously, “I” merged with the totality of existence. And this was experienced as the fullness of love. It was a psychological death, a liberation of self from the knot of ego.

From that moment on, there was no more story of separation and I was no longer a victim of life. In the torchlight of awake awareness, all that remained was the translucency of being, an unbounded spaciousness that allowed an ever-deepening unfoldment into inner silence.

This silence is today experienced as a nondual awareness that embraces both the mystery and mess of the human experience.

It has been a radical awakening because it has included everything. Not one vestige of inner division can survive when 100% allegiance is given to the fire of truth. The ever-changing nature of life is fully lived and yet the unchanging radiance of being at the core of all that is experienced is deeply recognized.

God is seen to be in everything.

Amoda Maa

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